I recently had the incredible opportunity to share my testimony at a special worship service at my church. Several people that could not attend asked if there was a copy of my testimony available. Nothing could compare to being there in person to experience the worship through the songs led by Jackson and Scripture read by Melissa, but I thought I could at least share the transcript of what happened.
I'm including links to the songs and Scripture in hopes that you can catch a glimpse of what God sis that night.
Story Part 1:
I am currently doing the
Beth Moore Bible Study on the book of Esther, Thursday mornings here at Hope. A
few weeks ago, Beth made this statement:
“You
cannot amputate your history from your God-given destiny.”
She was saying this in
response to Jeremiah 29:11:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future.”
Beth
went on to say that we need to learn from our history and be humbled by it but
we cannot forget it or pretend that it did not happen.
As
her words were rushing over me, I let out an internal, “YES! Preach it Sister!”
You can imagine my surprise when I received the phone call from Jackson that
same evening asking me to share my story with you. We serve a funny God, don’t
we?
You
see I have quite a history. It’s the type of history that makes some people
nervous to talk about. Yet most people can relate to it on some level. Why?
Because I have literally broken all Ten Commandments. Even if you can’t say
that you are an overachiever like I am, I’m certain you’ve broken a few. If you
don’t know my story, you are probably assuming I mean all of them EXCEPT the
one about murder, right? Sadly, I can even check that one off of my list.
I was not raised in the
church. We were more of a Cheaster kind of family than anything. You know, the
ones that go to church on Christmas and Easter? My parents emphasized many good
moral principles as they raised me, but going to church was just not important.
I was always a straight A
student but by the time my parents started to divorce during my sophomore year,
I was burnt out and lost. I started dating my first abusive boyfriend. I
quickly mastered the fine art of binge drinking and getting high and before I
headed to college I was smoking 2 – 3 packs of cigarettes each day.
A month after my high
school graduation, I was raped my one of my best friend’s boyfriend. We later
found out that he was a serial rapist who raped or attempted to rape several of
my friends. Unfortunately when you are raped, you tend to react in one of two
ways. You either never want to have sex again or you try to prove that you
aren’t broken by sleeping with an excessive number of people. Being the
stubborn overachiever that I am, I sadly chose the latter option.
By the time I was 19, I
found myself pregnant, desperate and heartbroken. I’d love to give you the long
list of reasons why I justified the choice I made, but the bottom line is that
I chose to terminate the pregnancy.
So fast forward to my
early 20s. Clearly I was a hot mess. I was caught up in an unhealthy lifestyle
full of bad choices. I was going nowhere fast. It always seemed like life
wasn’t supposed to be without heartache and stress. It certainly didn’t seem
like things were ever going to get any better. I was hanging around the wrong people,
working in a negative environment and dating yet another “project” man who
needed me to fix his life. I was doing destructive things that always led up to
illnesses, and living a lifestyle that continually set me up for failure. I had
very little hope.
I never ruled out the
possibility of God’s existence, I simply didn’t have time to deal with the
likelihood of it at that point in my life. I claimed to be agnostic, and knew
that someday I would research the various religious options and would then make
an educated decision based upon my discoveries.
When my mom and step-dad
became Christians in the mid 90s, I figured they had gotten caught up in some
crazy new adventure or cult. I didn’t want to have anything to do with it, and
frankly, didn’t want to hear about. Thankfully, they talked about God and Jesus
anyway. I didn’t realize it at the time, but they were planting the seeds I
needed in order to see the truth.
In January of 1998, I was
at a convention with my parents and with my current “project” boyfriend. These
particular conventions always close on Sunday morning with a worship service. Begrudgingly,
I attended the service and had the opportunity to hear Franklin Graham speak. It
was as if he was speaking directly to me. He talked about being Billy Graham’s
son and going to church simply because it was expected of him. It wasn’t until
he was in his twenties that he really came to know Christ and made the
conscious decision to accept Jesus as his Savior. He talked about getting all
of the bad influences out of his life and then challenged us to do the same. It
was as if he was speaking only to me in this crowd of thousands. He was telling
me to make the changes I needed to and to finally admit that I already knew the
truth. I left knowing what I wanted, but was still too afraid to make all of
the changes I needed to.
In April of 1998, I was
diagnosed with having herpes simplex spinal meningitis and spent several days
in the hospital. Wait, what? Yes… that’s right. AIDS is NOT the only STD that can
kill you. I have 2 other killer viruses: Herpes and HPV. Awesome, right?
While I was at the
hospital, only 4 people came to visit me: my mom, my step-dad, my sister, and my
parents’ pastor (Hope’s former pastor, Bill Shereos). I realized that I couldn’t
deny the truth anymore: I was surrounding myself with people who didn’t really
care about me, if they had they would have supported me though what was the
scariest illness I had ever had. When I got home from the hospital I cut off
all ties with the “bad” people in my life. Although it began as a lonely
journey, I knew I could never go back.
One month later, in May, I
finally agreed to read a book that my parents had been encouraging me to read, Left
Behind, by Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye. When one of the characters got
on his knees and prayed a “sinner’s prayer,” I found myself weeping and praying
that same prayer over and over. My life has never been the same since.
Story Part 2:
A few months after
surrendering my life to Christ, I met Adam at Hope. After my track record with
men, I begged God to take him away. I honestly just wanted to date Jesus. After
some seriously cool confirmation that God approved of this relationship, I
carefully moved forward.
A month into our
relationship, I confessed my sordid past to Adam and told him that I would
totally understand if he wanted to head for the hills. To my surprise, Adam
held me. He wept with me. And he repeatedly expressed how he wished he could
have been there for me. Wow! Right? Folks, don’t settle for anything less in a
relationship.
A few months later, Adam
told our pastor that he wanted to marry me. Without even knowing my full
history, Bill told him that I needed to go into Christian counseling before
Adam should even think about proposing. Although that was a painful pill to
swallow, it was so very wise.
I began counseling with a
Christian counselor in Chatham. She had me go through The Steps to Freedom
in Christ by Neil Anderson. This process took me through my past in such a
way that I learned to forgive myself for the choices I had made. I remember
having difficulty forgiving myself for one of my “big” sins to which Sue said,
“By not forgiving yourself, you are saying that Christ’s death on the cross was
not good enough for you.”
Wow! That hit me like a
ton of bricks. My not forgiving myself was an issue of pride. I was belittling
what Christ did on the cross. In that moment, I got it. Mind blown. Freedom
from my past. My history no longer defined me. I was defined by my relationship
with Christ.
Looking back, I can see
how God used that freedom to catapult me into a life of service for His
Kingdom. He called me to work in youth ministry here at Hope for 9 years, both
as a volunteer and as a member of the church staff. He has called me to share
my testimony at various churches, in schools, before a committee for the
Illinois House of Representatives and even on the radio. He continues to call
me to serve the teachers, students and families at my son’s school. He even has
me proclaim the victories He has blessed me with on the Internet.
A few years ago, God
called me to write a blog. Oh my word, He challenges us in the most unusual
ways!
You see, by nature, I am a
VERY introverted person. Add to that my OCD and perfectionism and you have one
very conflicted person. In my youth, I dealt with my character flaws through
escape… drugs, drinking, and other destructive behavior. As a Christ-follower,
I found myself shrinking further and further within myself.
While standing in my
bathroom, I clearing remember God convicting me to get over myself. I also
remembering thinking, “Seriously, God? What now? I’ve laid it all out there for
the whole world. Can’t I just hold on to my variety of neurotic behavior?”
Apparently the answer was, “No.”
He started me on the
journey that would quickly become called “Something Uncomfortable.” Every day,
I would consciously do something appropriately uncomfortable and then blog
about it to help hold myself accountable. Within short order, I had quite a
little following and found myself being used… once again… by God to minister to
broken people. Over the course of almost a year, my husband, my kids, my
family, my friends and my audience got to watch me break free from the
stronghold that my insecurities had over me. Being uncomfortable for Jesus
became a part of who I am.
One of the most important
things I learned from that chapter in my life was that people CRAVE freedom.
And one of the biggest reasons why people don’t experience freedom is because
they are too embarrassed to talk about their junk. Why? Because even in the
“church” people are shamed for their histories. So I’ve concluded that if more
people talked about their junk, there would be a lot less shame and whole lot
more freedom.
So as I sit before you
today with my junk laid out for all to see, I pray you can learn a few things
about the awesome God we serve:
1. God
isn’t embarrassed by your history, so you shouldn’t be either. I can stand
before you and say that I had an abortion and that I have herpes just as easily
as I can say that I have brown hair and blue eyes because I am not defined by
my history. I am defined by my identity in Christ.
2. You
are worthy of God’s love and forgiveness. Christ died for us all. Assuming He
didn’t cover you on the cross is an issue of pride. Throw yourself at the feet
of Jesus. Seek His gift of new life and forgive yourself.
3. Be
humbled by your history and learn from it. Ask God how He can use you for the
greater good of His Kingdom. God doesn’t waste a hurt. Tell Him you are willing
and I promise you He will use you to help others.
4. Talk
about your junk. Don’t freak out. God isn’t going to call everyone to get up on
stage or go on the radio to share your history. But when he does prompt you to
share with a friend or with some other person that is hurting… and you’ll know
when He does… do it. Get over yourself and do it. You might not know the impact
you are having on people on this side of heaven, but I can assure, God will use
you.
Being a Christ-follower is
NOT easy. In fact, I often think getting high was a lot easier. But a life with
Christ is a life of hope. Unexplainable, undeniable hope. I wouldn’t trade it
for anything.
Christ redeemed my life.
He took a hot, holy mess and not only forgave me, but gave me value. It is my
honor and privilege to serve Him in ways I never thought possible. And I know
He wants nothing less for each one of you.
