Something Uncomfortable: Day 188

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When reflecting on the past two weeks, I find myself in awe and disbelief. Wow! I mean really… wow! I have been bombarded with so much ugliness that I find myself having a hard time trusting anyone. People really stink sometimes.

While dealing with my poor son’s social anxiety as he adjusts to kindergarten, I was bullied by two unbelievable women at my garage sale. And ALL of the eyewitnesses failed to stand up for me. Instead they listened to the bullies and left with them.

Two days later, we learned that our senior pastor was stepping down from his position at our church. We have been processing the hurt and disappointment that has come from that situation.

Two days after that, it was September 11. Yet another reminder of how broken this world is and how horrible people can be.

Because my heart wasn’t broken enough, some fool decided to verbally vomit an ignorant comment on one of the blog posts regarding the story surrounding my rape. It was just another reminder of how people excuse bad behavior and fail to stand up for victims. Whatever.

To be blunt, people suck. And I’m sick of it. I’m really sick of people being apathetic. I’m sick of people NOT caring. And I’m sick of people thinking it’s alright to be mean. I’m sick of people sucking.

For two weeks, my prayers have been so overwhelming and constant that I feel like my body is physically groaning out to God. Not just for myself… but for the people that suck. And for the people that keep getting hurt by these people. Ironically, I don’t even wish bad things on the mean people. I just want them to be restored into people that aren’t mean.

I’m totally NOT a peace & love hippie person… although I’d like to be. But right now, I’d love to be surrounded with unicorns that poop rainbows. OK, that would be annoying, but you get the point.

All I can do is pray and trust that God knows what He’s doing. I don’t believe that all of this nonsense is part of His plan. His plan was for us to live in the Garden of Eden with the unicorns. But sin messed that up. I DO believe that He has a plan of how to help us out of the mess. However, His rescue plan will only work if we put our own agendas aside and let Him lead. That’s the part I’m not good at. I’m not good at NOT being in control. I’m NOT good at letting God be God when my feelings are hurt.

So here’s my prayer:

Lord, help me to trust that You have a plan to bring restoration to those that are hurt and to those that caused pain. Let me put my own agenda aside. Let me be still and know that You are God. And let me be quiet enough to hear You when You tell me to take action. Let all of my words and actions honor and glorify You in all I do and say. In Jesus’ holy name… Amen!

And with that, I’m putting in a request that this could be a Mean-Free Monday!

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

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While waiting to get into the fair yesterday, I overheard a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Can you just say that you are four?

Little Girl: But Mommy, I'm five.

Mom (sternly & irritated): For the next few minutes you're 4. Just say you are 4!

Wonder why your kids lie to you? She saved $3 and taught her daughter the invaluable lesson that it's OK to lie when it's convenient and when you'll benefit from it. It's just so sad.

As I’ve shared before, I spent a good portion of my life lying. It always got me into trouble. Half the time I couldn’t keep my story straight. It truly was a big mess. And I did it all to protect myself from the consequences of the choices I made. In my late twenties, I made the conscious decision NOT to lie anymore. This doesn’t mean that I tell everyone everything. Sometimes it’s none of their business, sometimes it’s not age appropriate, and sometimes they just won’t benefit from knowing. No matter what the case is, there is really no good reason to lie.

What about if someone asks if her pants make her look fat? I hate that question. People shouldn’t ask it if they don’t want the truth (myself included). I typically try to answer as kindly as possible… they are not the most flattering pants you own. Seriously… we need to stop asking that question!

What about Santa? As I’ve shared before, we don’t do Santa at our house. We talk about the real St. Nicolas and his ministry, but Santa doesn’t visit our house. Is Santa fun? Sure. Except the whole you won’t get presents if your naughty thing… but that’s another soapbox that I don’t need to climb on right now. The bottom line is that I can’t justify lying to my kids and then getting mad at them if they lie to me. They know Mommy & Daddy put the money under their pillows and take their teeth and they think it’s pretty cool that we are sneaky enough to do it without waking them up.

Even if you think I’m crazy to not lie to my kids about Santa, I'm sure you can admit that you don’t like when people lie to you. No one does. I’ve never heard someone say they would elect someone to office because he’s such a great liar. I can’t remember anyone saying they thought their spouse was super clever in their attempt to cover his/her affair. If it’s not alright to lie about everything, why is it alright to lie about some things? And who gets to decide what lies are white lies verses big nasty lies? I’m here to tell you that the little girl at the fair was horrified that her mom was making her lie and I can guarantee that she’s not going to understand the difference when her mother yells at her for lying about something at home.

I make plenty of mistakes every day. I clearly don’t walk on water, nor do to I profess to. This is just something that I’ve been convicted about for a long time. Trust me, there have been plenty of situations that I’ve wanted to lie about, but I’ve chosen not to. And sometimes the consequences have been brutal. But as a parent, I know I can look at my kids and honestly tell them that I won’t lie to them and I expect the same in return.

OK, that’s my soapbox for today. Now I’m off to work on one of my many character flaws by doing Something Uncomfortable.

There ARE Good Men Out There

Yesterday I was told about a young girl who has thrown herself into an unhealthy relationship with a young man. It breaks my heart when I hear stories like this, because I was one of those girls. I was a broken, lonely girl who was desperate to feel loved so I allowed myself to go from one abusive relationship to another. I hid my pain by putting on a tough and sarcastic front.

When I was in high school, I dated a boy for 19 months. Once the honeymoon was over, he slowly began to abuse me emotionally and verbally. 

By the time I was "in love with him," he started the pattern of calling me fat, stupid and ugly on a regular basis. Let me assure you, I was NONE of those things. I was a practicing anorexic and was NOT fat. I got a 29 on my ACT while I was hung-over (I am not encouraging or advocating underage drinking - it a REALLY BAD CHOICE). Clearly I was not stupid. And although I was never featured on the cover of a magazine... I was not ugly.

The constant belittlement led to my low self esteem, suicidal thoughts and depression. He beat me down emotionally so much that I even agreed to have sex with him in order to prove how much I loved him. Sick.

I wish I started choosing better relationships after that one ended. Unfortunately, it was the first of many.

Then I met my husband. He is so amazing and I could spend hours telling you why. Let me give you a couple of highlights:

• When I shared my past with Adam, I assumed he would break up with me. Instead, he started weeping, held me close and said he was felt bad I had gone through it alone.
• He has told me that I am beautiful EVERY DAY of our relationship... even on my ugliest of days.
• He is an amazing father who works hard to provide for his family and who engages with his children daily. He changed diapers and takes the kids to the potty when we are out... so that I can have a break.
• He loves the Lord and lives out his faith daily.

He is incredible.

You might be thinking, "Well, Heather, you got the last good one." Let me assure you that that is A LIE!!! There are plenty of good men out there. And there are plenty of men who have the potential to be amazing if we would hold them to a higher standard.

So if you are in a bad relationship... I beg you to get out. Being alone is hard, but it's better then being abused. 

If you are single... don't settle for anything less then what I found. Trust me, I probably deserved happiness less than you, and I still found it. 

If you are a man... be a MAN. Treat the woman you are with like a princess and she will treat you like a king.

If you are a parent... teach your daughters to love themselves, so they don't look for boys to love them. And teach your boys to be the kind of men that deserve a princess.

I get that it's not easy, but maybe, just maybe things would be better if we held ourselves and each other to a higher standard.

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Something Uncomfortable: Day 53

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I spent most of my youth and early adulthood lying. I did it to stay out of trouble or spare someone's feelings. And let's be honest, lying is socially acceptable in our society. I learned the hard way that lying brings nothing but trouble. Living in truth can be difficult at times, but is so much easier than the alternative.

Before my husband and I had children, we decided that one of our core family values would be: not lying... about anything. This does not mean that our children are entitled to full disclosure about everything because some things are not age appropriate. Rather, we vowed to be honest with them even if it means admitting to them that we are wrong.

This means that we do not believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa (we talk about the real St. Nicholas and the amazing things he did) or the Tooth Fairy. I don't judge people who celebrate these "people" because I totally understand how much fun they are. But personally, we just can't justify lying to our children for the sake of having fun. I have a hard time expecting them to always tell the truth, if I don't tell them the truth. 

With this stance comes A LOT of social drama. In general, people would rather you thump the Bible over their heads instead of you saying the Tooth Fairy is just pretend. We are extremely careful to avoid these conversations around other children, because we do not want to create any problems for them or their families. 

When my son lost his first tooth last night, we were ecstatic. We took pictures, called people and put that precious tooth under his pillow. Why? Because in the middle of the night Mommy and Daddy were going to take his tooth and leave him a prize. He was thrilled!

In the middle of the night, my son ran into our room, thanked us for the $5 and said he wanted to bring his tooth to school today. And so it began. Everything in me wanted to tell him to keep it a secret (we don't like those either). If he didn't tell anyone, then we could avoid the Tooth Fairy conversation. I also thought about coaching him through some mock conversations. Instead, I told him he could take it and silently started to pray. 

I'm proud to say that when asked if the Tooth Fairy came last night, my son simply said, "No, my mom and dad snuck in my room and left me $5." No big deal. 

The thought that keeps going through my mind today is this: If we want them to stand up for what they believe in when they are bigger and peer pressure is greater, we have to teach them to stand up for what they believe in now.

This morning, we left for school singing, "My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY! There's nothing my God cannot do!" He can even give a Mommy the strength and courage to send her baby off to stand up for what he believes in...or doesn't believe in.

What are the core values you have a hard time standing up for?

Is Today the Day I Will Get To See Jesus?

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And if so, will I do it with my head held high, knowing I did my best to fulfill God’s purpose for me today? 

Did I stop what I was doing when my children asked me to? And read the book they brought to me? 

Did I tell my husband I love him and thank him for all he does? Or did we just pass each other in the hallway as we headed off to start another busy day?

Did I take the time to thank the clerk at the grocery store who rang up my order?

Did I pray for the firemen rushing past us to save the day?

Did I take my thoughts captive and truly attempt to honor God in all I do and say?

I can say, “Yes!” to some of these questions and “No” to others. But overall, I was more present today. And for that, I am grateful. 

Thank you, Francis Chan, for challenging me once again in the book Crazy Love. And thank You, God, for giving me a few more moments to attempt to fulfill your purpose for my life.

Now, back to being present with my children...